Drowning

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me.
Normally I’m strong, happy and positive. When I face life it’s like I have a personal sun in my heart and I enjoy living.

But it is like I’m swimming. I’m good at it and I do it without much effort. Suddenly however it’s like my body can’t swim anymore. I sink into this dark ocean, dark but wonderful it embraces me, shutting out all words. Like I imagine almost drowning, I float around in oblivion, not caring for what the mumble at the surface is about.

My body relaxes and I do nothing to keep up with the world. Normally I’m caring, almost too nice and interested in listening and understanding everyone. When I’m “drowning” I can’t understand or even listen to what’s happening around me.
I hide in my own world, in books mostly. They are great shields to the world around me. You don’t talk so much to someone with their nose in a book and I’m able to transcend into another reality, ignoring my own.

It’s hard to wake up from these dark moments. Not really dark, more like numb.. I think I’m hurting but I try so hard not to feel that I don’t know.
I try to get out of this craziness even thou its hard. I always succeed and go back to my normal happy self. But I wonder why I “drown” all the same over and over.
When I was younger, without responsibility it was not so difficult. Now on the other hand it’s painful because I can’t just ride it out.

So many thoughts pop into my head during this time, trying to reach the surface. I’m trying to find out why and I’m not really sure there is a single reason. But on my quest I find all the pieces in my life that is broken. All the sadness in my body.. Without my little happy sun everything just wants to make me cry. On the surface the air is like my heroine for positive thinking. When I “drown” It’s like I don’t remember how to turn my obstacles around so I see the positive side of everything.

I also get kind of a black sense of humor to.. That’s a bit interesting.

I have never tried to be normal, but no I wonder if I am really sane?

The picture is taken from: http://allison712.deviantart.com/art/No-Fear-of-Drowning-54454159