Singeltankar

Att det ska vara så krångligt att blogga. Mindes inte lösenordet.. Massa knas för att komma in men vad gör man inte för att ösa ur sig lite tankar ut i meningslösheten.

För att fortsätta lite på gårdagens tema som var trötthet så kan jag nämna just en biverkning av just trötthet som drabbat mig lite extra idag. Nämligen det att jag som annars är ganska kavat känner mig smått gråtmild och känslig idag. Så när min mamma åter igen klagar på mig och berättar hur misslyckad jag är blir jag lite ledsnare än vanligt för att sedan lida mig igenom "Bridget Jones dagbok" i min egen självömkan för att inse att tillockmed hon faktiskt fick en karl på slutet... Medans jag själv sitter här, ensam och för blyg för att våga prata. Eller tillräckligt smart att inte öppna munnen och avslöja vilken idiot jag är, eller iallafall låter som så fort jag öppnar munnen när jag blir nervös.. Vilket jag självfallet är när någon av det manliga könet får för sig att prata med mig.
Skämt å sidor, nej inte alla män.. Bara de få som har en förmåga att vända upp och ner på mitt inre.
Hopplöst? Nej då.. Men lite plågsamt..
Jag litar på att Gud löser mitt manliga dilemma men jag hoppas verkligen att han har en bra plan för har han fått för sig att jag ska vara delaktig så måste han vara kreativ. Jag, med mitt nervösa svammel lär skrämma iväg de flesta...

Nej vet ni vad.. jag försöker verkligen ha ett annat fokus. Koncentrera mig på Gud och strunta i allt det där andra. Men när jag är trött så blir jag så mycket mer ensam.. Ja fy mig lite självömkan är det nog. Men jag är så rädd och orolig.. att det skulle vara kört för mig..

Jag försöker ha ett annat fokus men när jag ser honom är det så svårt..

Nej.. god natt.. sånt här galet kan jag inte hålla på med.. Sooooova!

Decembertrött

Trötthet är ett monster som äter upp förståndet innifrån kroppens alla vrår.

Har hört det sägas att man inte kan sova i förebyggande syfte. Men man kan helt klart sova ikapp. Vilket jag inte lyckats åstakomma ännu.

Nu börjar skolan gå inför landning och jag har fått en och en annan förmiddag ledig. Så jag har sovit på natten och sovit på dagen men är fortfarande helt slut...

I början går det bra att bita ihop, efter en stund blir man seg och lite vimsig men efter ännu ett tag så blir man alldeles uppgiven och förtvivlan ligger och lurpassar i alla hörn redo att kasta sig över den trötte stackaren om denne möter minsta lilla motgång.

Nej nu får det ta och bli lite ledigt så både kropp och hjärna får vila lite. Att plugga är jobbigt för hjärnan går varm dygnet runt. Min lilla stackare till hjärna är alldeles överhettad, om den vore en dator skulle det blinka "ERROR" med stora röda bokstäver.

Dessutom så vill jag ju ha lite ork tillbaka till allt roligt som jag vill göra... ;-)

Därför säger jag god natt till er nu...

I'm back

Det är så underligt. Jag skriver oftast när jag är nere så trots att den här sommaren varit fantastisk (hösten och vinter också till stor del) så är det bara den korta del då jag slogs av en höstdepp som kommit på prent.
Lite synd då så mycket otroligt har hänt. Jag borde skriva mer de bra dagarna, det skulle kanske göra så att jag mindes dem bättre.
De senaste året har varit ett äventyr, ett äventyr tillbaka in i min tro. Eller vid det här laget måste jag säga att resan fört mig längre. Långt längre än jag någonsin nådde då jag var tonåring. När jag rest tillbaka och in i ett annat sätt att leva så har mkt i mitt liv förändrats radikalt och jag har fått en större förståelse för mig, mina tankar och livet omkring mig. Nu finns det en balans och det är ju klart. Nu är Jesus tillbaka i mitt liv då är livet helt igen och jag kan vara jag.

Jag är påväg tillbaka till min personlighet, till min kärna.
Fortfarande blyg, nervös och lite osäker men betydligt modigare och absolut positiv igen.
With his help I found myself again.

Så idag var en bra dag.. som så många andra... :-)

Autumdreams

So I’m back to my reality. And I’m so tired of it! I don’t want to care; I don’t want to be forced to care.
I would love to enjoy the beautiful autumn days and be able to stand still for as long as I’d like.
But surely that’s no good. Then I think too much, wondering what it will become of me. And that’s a scary thought my friends.

Let’s turn in and float away in dreams. I should not complain, I get to sleep every night and every night there will be dreaming occurring.

Mothers..

Mothers…
They are wonderful caring creatures, lovely and totally terrifying.
When you grow up you redefine your person, and also the relationship to some people in your life. One such person in my life is my mother.

Since my parents’ divorce my mother has been my dearest friend. We talk several times every week and she is in almost all my decisions in life. Since I was I kid my mother’s word has been the strongest in my life even when I hated hearing it.

Growing up I’ve depended and listened to the people around me, unsure about myself and trying to learn to know myself. The older I’m becoming the more I’ve learned. Today I was thinking on who I am. And I realized that maybe I understand why something’s are so difficult nowadays. I’m maturing and starting to use all my own experience and giving myself the answers to my questions. I’m not leaning on others I’m standing on my own.

Now to my mother.
This transformation is not easy to adapt on the relationship to hear. She means well, loves me but has sometimes difficulty understanding my point of view. She wants so much for me and has not realized that I’m not a screaming teenager anymore. If I don’t like something I’m not ranting about it. I have a hard standing my ground and telling her off, scared to hurt her feelings. It often ends up in just that when she recognizes a little too late that I’m not interested or willing. She gets hurt and thinks I’m ungrateful. Not appreciating all the work and thought she has put into it. Sometimes I’ll try to explain (obviously not good enough) but she still heads on convinced that it’s the best for me and can’t understand my rejections when they are not what she thinks is common sense and smart.

I have my own inner world, my own likes and dislikes. I do things my own way, I dress my own way and I like to decorate my home my way. Sometimes my way of thinking is not the same as my mother and she has a hard time understanding me and the reality that she needs to respect my way of thinking even if she thinks I’m a complete idiot.

It makes me sad that I’m so bad at getting thru to my mum. It’s like she doesn’t understand how much I love her and that it’s just because of that I’m have a hard time speaking my mind. If only she would listen and don’t be offended by my opinions. I don’t disagree with her to make her sad, I simply disagree because I think in a different way.

Tired

Tonight I’ll turn in early. I had an almost sleepless night last night.

Pretty vampires occupied my brain. ;-)

Sunlight

My mind reaches gracefully at the sunlit sky. I can feel the warmth at my eyelids and slowly my heart is beginning to melt. In the far back of my head there is something trying to get my attention. A voice I remember, with cheerful words it’s speaking about the sun and joy. Life and joy? Responsibility..

Is it the urge or really cheerfulness that forces me to the surface?
I smile, trying to convince myself that I’m happy. Trying to make me happy, trying to make me care again. Forcing myself not to think about the fact that I just want to lay down and… do what? Just lying there I think. And do nothing, not thinking.. Or just thinking.. Be still and don’t care about my surroundings.

Oh.. right.. Not think about that. The sun and the responsibility, check. I need to remember all the good things of living. This sounds so bad, like I have a death wish but I really don’t. I’m just numb.. And I both love and hate it.
I studied today.. Not much but still. Tomorrow I’ll be back in school. I’ll try to listen. It’s annoying to have cotton in my head. I need to hear, the test is on Thursday..

But as I said, this morning was bright and it felt sunnier today. Not as hard to care. So perhaps I’m on the right track. Nothing wakes you up better than organizing a children’s disco… I did and it was great, the kids loved it.

… And so did I!

Thanks and good night!

Thoughts of Love and Books

I love reading. Books are my safe haven and in a sentence my passion. I relax with books but I also hide in them, escaping from reality. This last time it was like any other “drowning” episode except that I was thinking more about why.
Of course I found no one answer but many more questions.
One of them is the question of love..
It’s hard to think about because it feels like I avoid it out of fear. The aching and hunger tears my inside like an animal and the fear lure around the corner, ready to devour me. All if I let myself embrace all my thoughts about love.
So let’s be a masochistic pray and embrace the monsters in my head, let’s write about love.

Love..
I’m 26 and now I’m starting to question if I even know what love is. I know a flame burning in the core of my being fueled with thoughts of love. Stories captivate me and some of them magically paint my inner world in color and feelings. I move to the music that magical words create in my heart and all these emotions swirl in an everlasting vortex in my head.
I wonder why words can fill me like this. I always hear words and songs in my head and they echo the nature and weather around me creating feelings. These feelings are large and fill every void in my body. So when hurt and sadness rides through my being the effect are unbelievable.
When I’m happy the greatness of me emotional essence is nice and uplifting. But now when hunger and longing occupies every fiber of my body it feels like I will perish under it.
Lovehunger..
Does it exist, my vision of love?
Stories paint a picture of this great love, love that is larger than life itself. Is it possible to meet someone you fall for in all ways possible? Like oxygen, a need for this other being. This person and your self will not be able to resist and never will you be the same again after encounter this feeling. You need each other and hungers for one another. You will give your all and receive all. Like a drug this love will consume you and you will never be able to go back to what was.
It’s large, powerful, pure and irresistible.. And real?

Are my preferences set to high? Are they only stories? Someone wrote them but had they experienced it or was it just a dream, a hunger?
Will I walk through life with this poetical mumble in my head never fully satisfied?

Picture from: http://th01.deviantart.net/fs25/300W/i/2009/024/d/d/The_Magic_of_Books_by_Tammara.jpg

Growing older

Have you heard the expression;”young adult”? 40 years ago that expression did not exist. You were young then you became an adult. What has changed? Gradually the age of maturity has risen from mid teens to almost early thirties.

I’ve always been a bit odd. Never wanting to do what everyone else was doing. And ageing was no exception. I love older people and what they contribute to the world in words of wisdom, maturity and experience. I wanted to grow old with grace and embrace every age knowing every age has its charm.

I’ve changed my mind. Perhaps it’s a generation issue that I can’t get around. I want to be young, I’ve always looked at myself as young even thou I had to grow up fast and be very mature when I was younger. I liked being the youngest, liked being silly and messing up, always having adulthood in front of me.

Now I am annoyed because I think we all have a twisted way of defining being an adult. It’s something boring, a place where you’d given up and let yourself fall into a daze of daily routine. Nowadays I don’t think that hardly exist but still wee fear ageing with every fiber in our bodies. And I found that I don’t like it anymore, ageing I mean. But I think It’s more my romantic and poetic whew of life and love that is scaring me. Growing older I think that the wonderful, great and overwhelming love will not come to me. Silly love, love that aren’t responsible and safe are not happening when you get older.. Or is it??

And it feels like life is slipping away from me. When will I know what God wants me to be?

Growing older now in the young adult category, I’m trying to redefine myself. Who I’m I now, how will I transform my experience to this grown up person still making her the person I am inside? How did God intend me to be when I grew up?

How will I cope with this fear, with all my fear when I don’t know the roots to them all? All I know is that life can be really scary sometimes and make a grown person tremble.

Picture from: http://files.splinder.com/97f5540899da658f4b5eb660992aa882_medium.jpg

Drowning

Sometimes I wonder if there is something wrong with me.
Normally I’m strong, happy and positive. When I face life it’s like I have a personal sun in my heart and I enjoy living.

But it is like I’m swimming. I’m good at it and I do it without much effort. Suddenly however it’s like my body can’t swim anymore. I sink into this dark ocean, dark but wonderful it embraces me, shutting out all words. Like I imagine almost drowning, I float around in oblivion, not caring for what the mumble at the surface is about.

My body relaxes and I do nothing to keep up with the world. Normally I’m caring, almost too nice and interested in listening and understanding everyone. When I’m “drowning” I can’t understand or even listen to what’s happening around me.
I hide in my own world, in books mostly. They are great shields to the world around me. You don’t talk so much to someone with their nose in a book and I’m able to transcend into another reality, ignoring my own.

It’s hard to wake up from these dark moments. Not really dark, more like numb.. I think I’m hurting but I try so hard not to feel that I don’t know.
I try to get out of this craziness even thou its hard. I always succeed and go back to my normal happy self. But I wonder why I “drown” all the same over and over.
When I was younger, without responsibility it was not so difficult. Now on the other hand it’s painful because I can’t just ride it out.

So many thoughts pop into my head during this time, trying to reach the surface. I’m trying to find out why and I’m not really sure there is a single reason. But on my quest I find all the pieces in my life that is broken. All the sadness in my body.. Without my little happy sun everything just wants to make me cry. On the surface the air is like my heroine for positive thinking. When I “drown” It’s like I don’t remember how to turn my obstacles around so I see the positive side of everything.

I also get kind of a black sense of humor to.. That’s a bit interesting.

I have never tried to be normal, but no I wonder if I am really sane?

The picture is taken from: http://allison712.deviantart.com/art/No-Fear-of-Drowning-54454159